EMDR for Self-Sabotage: Why You Keep Getting in Your Own Way and How EMDR Can Help
By Gessica Cross, LCSW · Published · Last reviewed
Part of our EMDR Therapy for Depression in Colorado resources.
Have you ever felt like you’re your own biggest obstacle? Maybe you keep putting off important tasks even though you know they’re important. Maybe you start relationships and then pull away when things get serious. Or perhaps you work hard toward a goal only to lose motivation when success is finally within reach. These patterns are often called self-sabotage.
Self-sabotage can be incredibly frustrating because it feels like part of you wants something while another part keeps getting in the way. Many folks blame themselves for these behaviors, assuming they’re lazy, unmotivated, or lacking discipline. But in many cases, self-sabotage isn’t a character flaw. It’s a learned survival pattern. For many folks, the roots of self-sabotage can be traced back to past experiences that taught the brain certain beliefs about safety, success, relationships, or self-worth. This is where EMDR therapy (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) can be especially helpful.
What Is Self-Sabotage?
Self-sabotage refers to behaviors, thoughts, or patterns that interfere with your goals, relationships, or overall well-being.
Common examples include:
- Procrastination
- Perfectionism
- Fear of failure
- Fear of success
- Avoiding opportunities
- Difficulty setting boundaries
- Staying in unhealthy relationships
- Negative self-talk
- Quitting when things become challenging
- Overthinking every decision
Although these behaviors may seem irrational, they often make sense when you understand them in the context of your past experiences. Your brain is constantly working to protect you. Sometimes it relies on old strategies that once helped you survive difficult situations but are no longer useful in your life today.
Why Do People Self-Sabotage?
Many self-sabotaging behaviors develop because the brain associates certain situations with emotional pain.
For example:
- If you were criticized growing up, success might feel risky because it increases visibility.
- If you experienced rejection, getting close to someone may trigger fears of being hurt again.
- If mistakes were punished, perfectionism may develop as a way to avoid criticism.
- If you learned that your worth depended on achievement, you may constantly push yourself while never feeling good enough.
Over time, these experiences create unconscious beliefs such as:
- “I’m not good enough.”
- “I’ll fail anyway.”
- “People will reject me.”
- “Success isn’t safe.”
- “I don’t deserve good things.”
- “If I make a mistake, I’ll be judged.”
Even when you logically know these beliefs aren’t true, your nervous system may continue reacting as though they are. That’s why simply telling yourself to “try harder” often doesn’t solve the problem.
What Is EMDR Therapy?
EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. EMDR is an evidence-based approach originally developed to help folks process traumatic experiences. Today, it is also used to address anxiety, low self-esteem, perfectionism, relationship challenges, and other issues coming from difficult life experiences.
Unlike traditional talk therapy, EMDR focuses on helping the brain process experiences that have become “stuck.” When upsetting experiences remain stuck, they can continue influencing thoughts, emotions, and behaviors years later. EMDR helps the brain reprocess these experiences so they no longer trigger the same emotional reactions.
How EMDR Can Help With Self-Sabotage
Self-sabotage usually isn’t a sign that you’re lazy or unmotivated. More often, it’s your brain reacting to old emotional experiences that are still affecting how you think, feel, and respond today. EMDR helps uncover and process those experiences so they no longer have as much control over your life. For example, if you constantly procrastinate, you may discover that finishing a project brings up a fear of being judged or criticized because of experiences from childhood. If you struggle to maintain healthy relationships, old wounds related to rejection, abandonment, or betrayal may be getting in the way. And if you’re a perfectionist, you may have learned early on that making mistakes wasn’t safe or acceptable. As these memories are processed through EMDR, they often become less emotionally intense and overwhelming.
EMDR for Procrastination
Procrastination is one of the most common forms of self-sabotage. Many folks assume procrastination is caused by poor time management. While that can sometimes be true, procrastination is often linked to anxiety. If completing a task triggers fears of failure, judgment, or disappointment, the brain may avoid the task altogether.
EMDR can help uncover and process the experiences connected to those fears. As the emotional intensity decreases, many people find it easier to start and complete tasks that once felt overwhelming.
EMDR for Perfectionism
Perfectionism is a common way that self-sabotage shows up in everyday life. While many folks see it as having high standards, perfectionism is often fueled by fear rather than motivation. It may be a fear of making mistakes, letting others down, being judged, or feeling like you’re not good enough. Over time, these fears can create a cycle of stress, burnout, procrastination, and harsh self-criticism. EMDR helps folks identify and process the experiences that taught them mistakes were something to avoid at all costs. As those experiences lose their emotional charge, many people find it easier to let go of unrealistic expectations and trust themselves, even when things aren’t perfect.
EMDR for Fear of Success
Most folks have heard of the fear of failure, but the fear of success can be just as real. Success often brings more attention, greater responsibility, and bigger expectations, and for some folks, that doesn’t feel safe. Maybe being successful in the past led to criticism, made you stand out in ways that invited bullying, or created pressure to keep achieving at an even higher level. When those experiences happen, your brain can start to link success with stress or danger, even if you consciously want to succeed. EMDR helps process those past experiences so they no longer trigger the same emotional response. As a result, success can begin to feel more comfortable, achievable, and something you no longer have to avoid.
EMDR for Relationship Self-Sabotage
Self-sabotage frequently appears in relationships.
You may find yourself:
- Pulling away when someone gets close
- Choosing emotionally unavailable partners
- Starting unnecessary arguments
- Assuming rejection before it happens
- Struggling to trust others
These patterns are often connected to attachment wounds, abandonment experiences, or past relationship trauma. EMDR can help process those experiences so that current relationships are not constantly filtered through the pain of the past. Many folks report feeling more secure, connected, and emotionally available after addressing these underlying issues.
What Does EMDR Treatment for Self-Sabotage Look Like?
EMDR treatment begins with an assessment of your current challenges and history. Together, you and your therapist identify experiences that may be contributing to self-sabotaging patterns. These experiences are then processed using EMDR’s structured approach.
During treatment, folks often notice:
- Reduced anxiety
- Less self-criticism
- Increased confidence
- Improved emotional regulation
- Better decision-making
- Greater follow-through on goals
- Healthier relationships
The goal isn’t to change who you are. It’s to help you let go of the emotional blocks that have been keeping you stuck, so you can move forward and live in a way that feels more true to yourself.
Can EMDR Help You Stop Self-Sabotaging?
For many folks, the answer is yes. If you’ve spent years reading self-help books, setting goals, or trying to “just be more motivated” without seeing change, the problem probably isn’t that you’re not trying hard enough. More often, your brain is still reacting to painful experiences from the past, even if you don’t realize it. EMDR helps your brain process those experiences so they no longer have the same emotional grip on you. As old fears, negative beliefs, and emotional wounds begin to heal, the urge to procrastinate, overthink, avoid opportunities, or get in your own way often starts to fade. Instead of feeling like you’re constantly battling yourself, it becomes easier to make decisions and trust yourself.
Self-sabotage can leave you feeling frustrated, stuck, and wondering why you keep repeating the same patterns, but these behaviors usually develop for a reason. At some point, they helped protect you from emotional pain, rejection, failure, or disappointment. The problem is that those same protective strategies can continue long after they’re needed, making it harder to build the life you want. EMDR doesn’t just help you cope with these patterns—it helps address what’s causing them in the first place. As your brain processes the memories and beliefs behind self-sabotage, many folks realize something important: they were never broken or incapable of change. Their brain was simply using an old survival strategy that it no longer needs.
Reach out to the EMDR Center of Denver to schedule a free consultation to determine if EMDR might be helpful for you.
More research on EMDR for self-sabotage:
Enhancing self-belief with EMDR: Developing a sense of mastery in the early phase of treatment
Self-esteem treatment in anxiety: EMDR versus Competitive Memory Training (COMET)