EMDR for Grief and Loss: When Grief Won't Let Go

Grief isn't something you fix. It's something you carry, and over time, most people learn to carry it more lightly. The sharp edges soften. You stop bracing every time you pass a certain place or hear a particular song. Life reorganizes itself around the loss.

But for some people, that reorganization never comes. The grief stays sharp. The memories keep ambushing you. The sadness doesn't lift so much as it cycles — subsiding for a few days, then flooding back without warning. Months pass. Then a year. Then more. And the question that no one around you seems to understand is: why isn't this moving?

If that's where you are, this article is for you. It covers what keeps grief from moving, what EMDR therapy may offer when grief feels stuck, and what grief-focused sessions look like in practice. Online for adults anywhere in Colorado.

What Does It Mean When Grief Gets Stuck?

Grief is a healthy, human response to loss. It has no fixed timeline, and there is no single correct way to move through it. Sadness, numbness, irritability, difficulty concentrating, and changes in sleep or appetite can all be normal parts of early grief.

Most grief begins to soften with time, support, and the gradual adjustment that follows a major loss. When it doesn't — when grief stays intense and intrusive well beyond the acute period, or significantly affects your ability to work, maintain relationships, or care for yourself — that can be a sign that grief has become stuck or complicated.

Grief can become blocked for many reasons: unresolved older losses, guilt or regret about how something ended, the kind of sudden or violent loss that leaves a traumatic quality alongside grief, or a loss that carries shame or ambivalence. Each has a different shape, and the right support depends on what kind of stuck you are.

The Many Faces of Loss

When most people hear 'grief,' they picture the death of a loved one. That's where most grief research is anchored. But grief shows up in many other places, and people may seek support for any of these:

• The death of a loved one or a beloved pet
• Divorce, a painful breakup, or the gradual erosion of a relationship
• Job loss, a career setback, or a professional identity that disappeared
• Moving away from a place you called home
• The shift from having children at home to an empty nest
• A loved one's decline from dementia, cancer, or another terminal illness — grief while they are still alive
• A significant mistake or regret you've carried and cannot put down

These experiences vary widely. What they share is the experience of significant, unwanted loss — and pain that persists longer than the people around you seem to expect.

Why Some Grief Stops Moving

When something overwhelming happens, our minds sometimes store that experience differently from ordinary memories — with the original emotions, physical sensations, and painful beliefs still raw and attached. A particular moment — the phone call with the news, the last conversation that didn't go the way you wished, the empty seat at a table — can remain intensely painful long after you've intellectually accepted the loss. Specific triggers can pull you back into the feeling as if it is happening now.

Grief doesn't have to involve trauma to get stuck in a similar way. The feeling of being looped back to the same moment of loss, the same helpless thought, the same wave of grief — that is often what grief-focused therapy is designed to address.

A 2024 review published in Frontiers in Psychiatry (Spicer, 2024) described EMDR as a "powerful treatment approach for those whose natural grieving process has become blocked in some way" and outlined how EMDR can be effectively integrated with grief-specific therapy approaches.

How EMDR Addresses Grief

EMDR for grief follows the same structured, step-by-step approach as any other EMDR work, adapted for your experience of loss. The process moves at your pace and always begins with building a foundation of stability before any memory work begins.

First, we get to know you — your loss, your relationship to it, and what you want life to feel like on the other side. You share only what you're comfortable with. Then, before processing anything difficult, your therapist helps you build calming and grounding tools that are useful both in sessions and on ordinary days when grief resurfaces.

Once that foundation is in place, your therapist helps you identify the specific memories, images, beliefs, and body sensations that are carrying the most pain. Using gentle back-and-forth eye movements, tones, or tapping — a process called bilateral stimulation — those memories are held in mind while you stay present with a trained therapist. This process helps the brain work through what got stuck.

For grief, the specific targets often include:

• The moment of loss, or the news of it
• A recurring image of the person, relationship, or life that was lost
• A belief attached to the loss: “I should have done more,” “I can’t survive this,” or “I’ll never be okay again”
• Guilt or regret about how something ended or what was left unsaid
• Body sensations of grief — tightness in the chest, heaviness — that return with triggers

Many people find that specific memories start to feel softer — less like an open wound and more like something they can hold. Many people also find that EMDR opens access to warmer memories of the person or relationship they lost: moments of love, connection, or even humor that were previously overshadowed by the pain.

If your grief has a traumatic quality — intrusive replaying, physical alarm when triggered, or a sense of re-experiencing rather than remembering — EMDR is especially well established for that kind of trauma-related distress.

Is EMDR Right for Your Grief?

EMDR tends to be a strong fit when specific memories or moments around the loss are still raw, when the grief has an intrusive or looping quality, or when beliefs like “I should have done more” haven’t shifted with time. It also works well when previous therapy or support has helped somewhat — but not enough.

EMDR may be a particularly good fit if:

• You have specific memories or moments around the loss that remain intensely painful and keep intruding
• You notice beliefs attached to the loss — guilt, shame, or “I should have...” thoughts — that haven’t shifted with time
• Your grief has a traumatic quality: it feels like re-experiencing rather than remembering
• Other therapy or grief support has helped somewhat but not enough

At EMDR Center of Denver, we screen carefully during the free consultation and only begin EMDR when we believe it is a good fit for your goals. See more about grief and loss services — and tell us what's going on. We offer online sessions for adults anywhere in Colorado.

What to Expect in a Grief-Focused EMDR Session

EMDR follows a structured path regardless of what brings someone to therapy — you can read a full overview of what an EMDR session looks like. For grief, the process typically unfolds this way:

First, we get to know you and your loss. You share only what you're comfortable with, at your own pace. We talk about what you want your life to look and feel like on the other side.

Next, before any memory work begins, you learn calming and grounding tools — practical skills for staying steady in sessions and on ordinary days when grief resurfaces.

Then, working carefully and at your pace, you identify the specific images, beliefs, and body sensations carrying the most pain. Using gentle back-and-forth eye movements, tones, or tapping, those memories are processed while your therapist keeps you grounded. Each session ends with a closing phase that brings the session to a settled state before you leave.

For grief involving many losses or a complicated relationship history, the work may move more slowly. That's a sign of careful treatment, not of being stuck.

EMDR intensives — sessions of 90 minutes or two hours — suit people who prefer working in concentrated blocks.

Frequently Asked Questions

Does EMDR work for grief that isn't related to a death?

EMDR can be used to process any experience still carrying significant emotional pain — including job loss, divorce, the end of a friendship, or other major losses. Grief tied to the death of someone close and grief tied to other significant losses can both become stuck; EMDR may help with either. The stuck quality they share — specific memories, beliefs, or images that remain intensely painful — is often what the processing targets. A free consultation is the best way to explore whether it fits your situation.

How is EMDR for grief different from regular grief counseling?

Traditional grief counseling focuses on support, meaning-making, and adjustment over time. EMDR is more structured: it identifies stuck points — specific memories, beliefs, or images — and uses gentle back-and-forth eye movements, tones, or tapping to reduce their intensity. The two approaches aren't mutually exclusive, and a consultation can help sort out what fits best for where you are.

How long does EMDR for grief take?

It depends on what you're working through. A loss tied to a single event may require fewer sessions than grief involving a long or complicated relationship, multiple losses, or older wounds that the current loss has reopened. There is no universal timeline, and an honest clinician won't offer one.

Can I start EMDR while I'm still in the acute phase of grief?

There's no required waiting period. Some people begin therapy in the weeks following a loss; others come years later when they realize the grief has never fully moved. What matters is that calming and stabilization tools are in place before active memory processing begins. A consultation is the best way to talk through timing.

Are sessions available in person?

EMDR Center of Denver offers online sessions for adults anywhere in Colorado, conducted over a secure, HIPAA-compliant video platform. Online sessions use the same structured EMDR approach, with eye movements, tones, or tapping adapted for the screen, so you can do this work from the comfort and privacy of home. See our overview of virtual EMDR for more on how online sessions work.

You don't have to carry this alone. Schedule a free 15-minute consultation with EMDR Center of Denver and take the first step toward grief that feels lighter to carry. We'll talk through what's been happening and whether EMDR is a good fit for your goals. Book online at emdrcenterofdenver.com/schedule.

About the Author

Gessica Cross, LCSW, Co-Owner and Licensed Therapist. Gessica Cross has helped people find greater joy and healing from prior trauma, anxiety, and depression, as well as processing grief and life transitions. She is formally trained in EMDR and graduated with a Master's in Social Work from the University of Illinois with honors. She moved to Colorado after completing a post-graduate fellowship in India, in which she provided pro bono work among survivors of kidnapping, abduction, and human slavery. She has specialized in helping people recover from situations of trauma, depression, and anxiety for the last ten years. She is excited to work with you!

More research on EMDR and grief:

• Spicer L. Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy for prolonged grief: theory, research, and practice. Front Psychiatry. 2024;15:1357390. pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC11056564/
• Solomon RM. EMDR Treatment of Grief and Mourning. Clinical Neuropsychiatry: Journal of Treatment Evaluation. 2018;15(3). (Linked from client grief service page.) thegreenwill.org (PDF)
• EMDR International Association. Experiencing EMDR Therapy. emdria.org
• EMDR Center of Denver. Grief and Loss Services. emdrcenterofdenver.com/service/grief-and-loss/

This article is for education and isn't a substitute for therapy or medical advice. If you're in crisis or thinking about suicide, call or text 988 (Suicide and Crisis Lifeline), call 911, or go to your nearest emergency room.