How to Stop Chronic People Pleasing

What causes chronic people pleasing?

Chronic people pleasing is a learned survival response that may stem from childhood trauma, particularly in environments where expressing needs or emotions was met with fears of punishment, neglect, or rejection. For example, a child who grows up with a critical or emotionally unavailable parent may learn to appease that parent to avoid conflict or maintain a semblance of connection. This behavior can continue into adulthood, leading individuals to prioritize others’ needs and feelings at the expense of their own.

While chronic people pleasing can help avoid a sense of disconnection or discomfort, it keeps the nervous system in a state of hyper-vigilance, or feelings of being on edge, easily irritated, or anxious. The constant need to people please by anticipating others’ reactions and managing others’ emotions can result in a chronic state of stress. This stress can take a toll on both mental and physical health. People pleasing can be a result of trauma. It’s called fawning.

“If I can be pleasing enough, kind enough, helpful enough, perform enough, produce enough, then you can never be mad at me.” – Allison Cook

Fight, flight, freeze, or fawn in the wild?

When we think about the body’s response to feeling unsafe, the fight-or-flight reaction often comes to mind. Fawning, or chronic people pleasing, is another survival response that is less well-known though just as significant. We constantly observe the fawn response in the animal kingdom, whether between two pets or in the wild. For example, dogs will frequently lie on their back to display their bellies (Look, my internal organs! I am no threat to you!) or lick the inside of the other dog’s mouth or ears to communicate a fawn response to ensure their survival: You are the alpha, and I am passive and deferential. Instead of fighting or fleeing, fawning ensures engagement with the potential threat in a way that communicates, “I am submissive and am no threat to you.”

For us humans, fawning nearly always involves silencing our own feelings and needs in order to avoid conflict, maintain a sense of emotional safety, or gain approval through “people pleasing.” This response is especially common in those who have experienced prior relationships where they felt powerless or unsafe whether with a parent or romantic partner.

Chronic people pleasing can manifest as difficulty setting boundaries, an overwhelming need to please others, or sacrificing one’s own needs to avoid potential conflict. Over time, this behavior can become deeply ingrained, leading to chronic stress, anxiety, and a sense of losing oneself. While chronic people pleasing may have initially served as a helpful behavior that provided emotional safety or benefit when you had limited resources or options (or was a child), you may assess this pattern of behavior as no longer serving you.

How EMDR Reduces Fawning or Chronic People Pleasing:

Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) is a therapeutic approach initially developed to help individuals process and heal from trauma. It involves bilateral stimulation, such as guided eye movements, which helps the brain reprocess traumatic memories and reduce their emotional impact. Over the years, EMDR has been found to be effective not only for trauma but also for anxiety, depression, and addiction among other things.

EMDR can be particularly helpful for addressing the fawning, or people pleasing, response by helping to rewire the nervous system by:

1. **Processing Underlying Trauma**: Chronic people pleasing is often rooted in unresolved distressing memories. EMDR helps individuals process these distressing memories in a way that reduces their emotional charge. By doing so, the brain can integrate these memories into the larger narrative of the person’s life, reducing the need for survival responses that may no longer serve the person such as chronic people pleasing.

2. **Desensitizing Triggers**: Chronic people pleasing can be triggered by specific people, situations, or memories. EMDR helps desensitize these triggers, making it easier for individuals to respond differently in the future. Instead of automatically slipping into people-pleasing behaviors, you can learn to recognize your triggers and choose a more life-giving, desired responses.

3. **Building New Neural Pathways**: Research shows that EMDR can help create new, healthier neural pathways in the brain. This means that individuals can develop more life-giving ways of relating to others, rather than defaulting to chronic people pleasing. Over time, EMDR can help individuals build self-worth, confidence, and the ability to assert themselves in relationships.

4. **Regulating the Nervous System**: One of the key benefits of EMDR is its ability to help regulate the nervous system. By processing traumatic memories and reducing their hold on the body and mind, EMDR helps individuals move from a state of hyper-arousal, or feeling on edge or anxious (common in fawning) to a more balanced, calm state. This nervous system regulation allows for healthier interactions with others and reduces the need to constantly appease others.

Research Supporting EMDR for Chronic People Pleasing

A growing body of research supports the effectiveness of EMDR in helping individuals rewire their nervous systems and reduce coping mechanisms that no longer serve them, like chronic people pleasing. A 2019 study published in Frontiers in Psychology found that EMDR significantly reduced symptoms of hyper-vigilance and avoidance behaviors, which are closely related to chronic people pleasing. Another study published in The Journal of EMDR Practice and Research in 2021 highlighted EMDR’s effectiveness in reducing anxiety and improving emotional regulation, both of which are critical in overcoming people pleasing behaviors. A 2013 study by Mosquera and others explored EMDR therapy’s effectiveness in treating attachment-based trauma and found that EMDR led to significant improvements in feeling anchored and in control of emotions and interpersonal relationships.

Conclusion

Chronic people pleasing may have helped you survive in the past, but if you assess it as no longer serving you, it doesn’t have to define your future. EMDR offers a powerful, research-backed approach to changing these deeply conditioned tendencies and rewiring your nervous system. By processing underlying trauma, desensitizing triggers, and building new neural pathways, EMDR can help you break free from the cycle of chronic people-pleasing and reclaim your sense of self. If you struggle with chronic people pleasing, consider exploring EMDR as a path toward getting relief. Schedule your free 15 minute consultation today.